Reaching his golden years Willy Wonka bequeathed the entire company to contest winner Charlie Bucket when all the other contestants neglected to give back their prototype Everlasting Gobstopper - a test designed by Wonka to judge their characters. A few weeks later, the Buckets moved into the Wonka Factory and nothing was to be seen of the family or Willy Wonka for many years.

What is to become of the Wonka empire now that huge bowties are out of fashion?

On March 4, 2010, Grandpa Joe, now aged 102, allowed and exclusive interview with Chocolatiers Magazine and gave a scathing report about work conditions at the factory, the Oompa Loompas, Willy Wonka, and his grandson, Charlie.

“The whole factory has gone downhill since Charlie turned eighteen,” said Grandpa Joe. “He thinks he’s a bigshot now that he’s an adult. He doesn’t take advice from Mr. Wonka anymore. Charlie even forced Mr. Wonka to move in with the infirm Oompa Loompas at the back of the factory. The Oompa Loompas have gone on strike a couple of times since then, but it’s hard to picket when you live inside the factory and never go outside. A picket line just isn’t as effective when it’s in your own bedroom I suppose.”

Grandpa Joe also told Chocolatiers Magazine about Charlie’s alleged drug use. “Charlie has found a way to make Nose Candy. It’s just as potent as cocaine, but made of cocoa beans and meth. That’s a lethal mixture. Half of the Oompa Loompas are hooked on the stuff, and the other half can’t afford it. Charlie’s threatened to go to Africa and bring back a herd of Vermicious K’Nids if they don’t keep baking it.”

And what of Willy Wonka? “No one has seen Mr. Wonka for months. He rode backwards in the Wonka Wash, so some kind of space-time continuum was breached. He could be floating through the air in a million pieces by now. No…that was Wonkavision. I get confused sometimes. He’s probably just in the toilet.”

Feds raided Charlie Bucket’s office last week to find gallons of Nose Candy and Oompa Loompas suspended from the ceiling. Rumors of misconduct have run amuck at the Wonka factory. The breaking point came when Mr. Bucket attempted to market a new candy named “Hershey Squirts” and was simultaneously sued by the Hershey company and ridiculed by people with chronic diarrhea for making fun of their condition. Making matters all the worse, the CEO of Hershey is also a sufferer of chronic diarrhea. “That’s the double double,” said Grandpa Joe.

What is to become of the Wonka empire? No one can tell. The only thing that is certain is that Charlie Bucket will continue to make Everlasting Gobstoppers, the Oompa Loompas will continue to sing mildly annoying moral tales, and Grandpa Joe will continue to spy for Slugworth Candy, Inc.

But, I’m concerned about the consequences of being a Non-Environmentalist. The environmentalist will say, “If you do _____ then you will save _____.” By contrast, I believe that normal activities are destroying the Earth if, and only if, the environmentalist wackos are correct, which they are not.

My list…

Environmentalist Ed Begley making a piece of toast.

1. IF you leave the light on in the rest room while you “take care of business” THEN you kill three Ugandan families’ worth of soy product.

2. IF you flush your toilet after each use THEN you destroy five barrier reefs with your nasty waste.

3. IF you swim near said barrier reef and touch one THEN you destroy any hope of a beautiful ocean refuge for the killer whale that ate that woman at Sea World.

4. IF you scold the killer whale that at that woman at Sea World THEN you obviously are an animal hater and must be destroyed by PETA.

5. IF you use regular light bulbs instead of curly fry light bulbs (my term) THEN you kill three penguins.

6. IF you use one can of hairspray per month THEN you create an ozone hole directly over your home that follows you, and your hairspray, to work every day burning everything in that line of travel forever.

7. IF you do not reuse your bath towel every night THEN you decapitate five pandas and their immediate families.

8. IF you run the water while you brush your teeth THEN you rot the teeth of eleven hens.

9. IF you drive to work every day THEN you suffocate four llamas in Ecuador.

10. IF you use your wi-fi connection six hours a day THEN you give twelve people cancer who are between you and the antenna source.

11. IF you wear a red shirt THEN you cannot call yourself “Green” because red is the opposite color of green.

12. IF you use a conventional toaster instead of a bicycle-powered toaster like Ed Begley THEN you are normal.

Pardon me: I have to go destroy some barrier reefs.

The Little Couple

All the reality shows about Little People on television are strangely appealing to me. My favorite one is “Little Couple” starring Dr. Jen Arnold and her husband, Bill. Jen is, as stated in her name, a doctor in Houston. She is very intelligent and successful. Her husband is a business owner. Honestly, the show is about her because she is a successful doctor in Houston – meaning that she has overcome her disability in an extraordinary way. Jen and Bill are role models not only for little people but for all people. Doctor and business owner starting a family in Houston. Very cool show.

This brings me to some of the other shows about little people. The other two I’ll talk about here – not so much coolness involved. “Our Little Life” is about Becky and Craig raising an average size child. That’s it. Nothing more. Craig is, well, how do I put this gently – redneck? That’s the best word I can come up with. His wife simply tolerates him – at least it appears that way from the limited television footage, and I’m sure they edit it to only show her frustrations with Craig. I don’t know what she does for a living, but I think that Craig is simply drawing a disability check. I can’t get into the show. Not too much content is present. A breaking point for me was when Craig walked into his living room wearing, yes, an elf costume. Unreal. He was happy, even giddy. His wife was embarrassed. I don’t know either of them and I was embarrassed for them both. Bad.

And NOW for the MOST RIDICULOUS show, “Little Chocolatiers.” Wow. What more can I say. Little people making chocolate. Can anyone say “Willy Wonka” or “Oompa Loompa”. I know, and to boot, it’s boring.

However, all these television shows about little people have got me thinking about some things…

1) When did it go from dwarfs to midgets to “little people” and why do I have to be called “average size”. “Average sized” is offensive to me. “Average” is not an exactly positive word. Neither is “little”. Do you want your child to be “average” or your income to be “little”. No. I say we go back to using “midget” or “dwarf”. I have no idea why these words are offensive, but I read that they are. Should fat people be called “super sized” like a value meal? Should we label people like t-shirts? XS, S, M, L, XL, XXXL? No. Also, dwarfs is the plural form of dwarf, not “dwarves”. Sigh.

2) Some dwarfs look like dwarfs, and some dwarfs look like, here I go, “average size” people. I wonder, do the dwarf-looking dwarfs search out other dwarf-looking dwarfs or do they aim for average-sized-looking dwarfs? I’ve seen these “mixed” relationships on television and while it does not bother me (why should it) it does make me wonder crazy things. If I was a dwarf I’d make sure to marry an “average sized” person. Somebody’s got to reach the top shelf without those claw-reacher things. I hate those things. They don’t grip.

3) A shortage of roles in Hollywood. I’m sorry I had to use the word shortage. Moving on…

4) Where are the shows about extremely tall couples? You could show them bumping into door frames and laughing, playing basketball and winning, driving cars with their heads through sunroofs like Dino from The Flintstones (not Dino the 1980′s praise and worship pianist). I demand some shows about extremely tall people! NBA does not count. I want to see them in obscenely short shorts so we can get a real feel of leg length. I want to see them in fights with midgets and see the midgets destroy them with karate. I want to see them in sleestak costumes for Halloween. I want to see them appalled by circus sideshows. And I want it now.

5) Where are all the shows about average sized people? Oh yeah. Never mind.

Gary Coleman deserves a reality show!

6) Gary Coleman should definitely have his own reality show. Come on! He’s a dwarf, he’s crazy, he’s famous, he gets in abusive personal relationships, he’s struggling to make a comeback, he ran for Governor of California for goodness’ sake! Why can he not have his own show? Mr. Drummond would approve. Willis, too. He could even meet up with Willis for a reunion of sorts, have some lunch, go shopping for chocolate at the Little Chocolatier’s store. Crazy fun times. He could be the first African American Oompa Loompa. He could run for President and destroy Obama with karate. I would watch that show on a loop. Do it, Hollywood! Just do it!

7) Was Yoda a little person, dwarf, or midget? None of the above. He was a Jedi master. Mad skillz. But he had a speech problem. “Scared you will be.” I bet his native language was Spanish. “Speak incorrectly I will. Sound mysterious and wise I do.” Not that much, Yo-man. I think George Lucas had a problem with both midgets and green people. Racist.

In conclusion, all three categories, dwarfs and midgets and little people, appeal to my sense of wonder and childlike glee. I don’t know why. Perhaps it is that they appear to stay young forever. Perhaps it is the need for step stools. Perhaps it is because I could beat some of them in a foot race. I don’t know why. My quest to understand little dwarf midget people continues. I have seen but one little person in the city where I live. We need more of them. If there is not an import fee we should get a few.

Dr. Eetum shown here minutes before announcing his Replacement Diet and burning his necktie.

Dr. Sanford Eetum, formerly of the Bosley Medical Institute, announced to the American Medical Associate this week that he and his team of researchers have completed tests on a new diet that he calls Eetum’s Replacement Diet. Dr. Eetum spoke before a panel of doctors and a room of press and entertainment reporters explaining his diet.

“My diet is for people who like to eat, but cannot manage their portions. This particular type of diet will appeal to morbidly obese men and women who simply cannot stop eating because they don’t want to. My diet is simple,” continued Dr. Eetum, “Let’s say that you’re out with your friends on a Wednesday night eating a dinner of Italian disposition, and let’s say that you don’t want to quit eating when you know you are full. On Eetum’s Replacement Diet you can continue to eat and count the extra food you ingest as tomorrow’s breakfast. Ofcourse, this means you will not be allowed to have any breakfast the next morning, but in return you can gorge yourself at dinner with no regrets.”

The AMA board was nonplussed.

Dr. Sydney Creten, an AMA board member, commented, “This is an astounding find that Dr. Eetum has announced today. Finally I, I mean obese men and women, can eat as much as I, I mean they, want to eat and keep eating and keep eating. Eat now, enjoy now, and forego future breakfasts and lunches and dinners as ‘replacements’. It’s genius! I didn’t hear anything about exercise either, so I’m good with it.”

Dr. Angelia Thomastickonous also commented. “With this type of dietary plan in place the human race could actually plan to eat twenty-one meals in one sitting and have more time to work the following week since no time would be involved in food preparation or digestion. Brilliant!”

T. Kobayashi prepares to destroy Dr. Eetum this Independence Day and will not use the Replacement Diet to do it.

Dr. Eetum closed his press conference with these final visionary thoughts: “Just image a world in which you could eat as much as you want with no consequences at all. Imagine if you could eat the meals that you would have eaten in your eighties! After all, by when you are eighty or ninety years old you don’t really have to eat. By that age you’re pretty much on Ensure and intravenous fluids. I don’t think those count as ‘meals’. And if you know you have a big Thanksgiving meal planned next week, you can just stop eating any food at all and on Thanksgiving eat your normal twenty-one meal plan. I am personally planning to stop eating on June 8, 2010 so I can bank all those meals and cash them in on July 4, 2010 at the Nathan’s Hotdog Eating contest. I’ll take the title away from that Takeru Kobayashi for sure.”

Takeru Kobayashi could not be reached for his response.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals says it’s unfair to keep the animal in captivity and subject him to the huge crowds and bright lights that accompany tens of thousands of revelers each Feb. 2 in Punxsutawney, a tiny borough about 65 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. PETA is suggesting the use of an animatronic model.

But William Deeley, president of the Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, says the animal is “being treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania.” The groundhog is kept in a climate-controlled environment and is inspected annually by the state Department of Agriculture.

Punxsutawney Phil shows his militant side in the face of PETA attempting to replace him with a robot.

When asked for his opinion, Punxsutawney Phil, the usually reserved and beloved mascot for Groundhog Day, said, “PETA has gone overboard this time. We groundhogs are usually supportive of PETA and its flaming liberal rhetoric, but PETA’s new agenda of seemingly trying to put groundhogs out of work is reprehensible!”

Punxsutawney Phil continued to explain the lack of employment opportunities for groundhogs in the United States today. “Much like PETA, the rest of the nation is completely uninterested in groundhogs for the remainder of the year. At least we have Febraury 2 each year to make a little scratch. I have some close friends who are unemployed 364 days out of the year. If it wasn’t for the humans’ Groundhog Day there would be many more groundhogs on federal assistance – and those reindeer already have that market cornered.”

B-Reindeer Blitzen shown here reduced to pulling a sleigh full of spoiled children due to a sluggish Obama economy.

Blitzen was contacted for his comments on Punxsutawney Phil’s hate speech, but referred us to Rudolph saying, “Oh, now you want to talk to me! Why don’t you go play your own reindeer games, turn on that stupid song about Rudolph and his drug-irritated nose, and let me get back to what I do best: nothing.”

Punxsutawney Phil is not only a spokesman against PETA, but also derides Hollywood and the movie industry for what he calls unethical financial treatment of animals. “As an executive member of AAUFTA (Animals Against the Unethical Financial Treatment of Animals), I can tell you that we are appalled at the movie industry for ignoring animal actors like me concerning movie royalties. ‘Groundhog Day’ the movie pulled in literally hundreds of dollars at the box office. I got nothing. That Bill Murray rode on my coat tails for the entire shoot. I’ll never give him acting advice again. Walter, the dog from the ‘Beethoven’ movies, is addicted to meth and living under a bridge in San Francisco. You wouldn’t believe the abuse he endures from music lovers who blame him for children in the early 1990′s thinking that ‘Beethoven’ is a dog and having no education about some dead music composer. Crazy musicians. Harry, from ‘Harry and the Hendersons’, can be considered an animal, I guess, and he’s looking into shaving his entire body to take a shot at the Geico caveman commercials. Sad thing is he doesn’t have his physique any more and those commercials are getting lamer by the second.”

Concerning robot replacements for groundhogs, “Yeah, that’s a great idea. Anybody ever heard of Skynet?”

Vampires have always been thought to be creatures of legend and fiction, but due to the popularity of the author Anne Rice and the recent success of the Twilight movies doctors and police are starting to rethink this legend as reality.

Detective Chester "Kojak" Gremillion

Chester Gremillion of the Sulphur, Louisiana police department says that the threat is becoming real in his city. “We used think that the deaths were just due to some holiday fun or Mardi Gras prank, but you can only ignore the bite marks for so long,” says the detective. “The reason why we did not take the bite marks seriously is that some of them were so tiny. We just figured it was bed bugs or spanish cockroaches or lemurs or something. However, my dentist that I visit once every four or five years noticed that the bite marks were not of lemurian nature. I don’t know how he knows what lemur bites look like, but he does know what human child bite marks look like. His son is seven-years-old and ADHD,” continued the detective. “Anyhoo – my dentist says that most of the bite marks we showed him in the morgue were from a child.”

Officer Louis Boudreaux, also of the SPD, was quoted as saying, “Man! These child vampires are wicked cool.” Detective Gremillion had no comment about the officer’s claim except to shake his head.

The Sulphur Police Department found the following photographic evidence of child vampirism at a recent crime scene. Detective Gremillion stated that child vampires are especially tricky. “Child vampires are especially tricky. They can be your own child and you never suspect anything because most kids are crazy anyways. I mean, they’re not all, like, bite your neck and suck your blood crazy, but they’re all crazy,” said the detective. “These little buggers can get into the tightest most crampiest places and hide and wait on their victims: victims who just happen to be a mother or father.

Child vampires enjoy clothes driers because of the warmth, dryness, and spinning action.

The first case that Detective Gremillion closed was one of a child vampire who leapt out at her grandmother from a clothes drier. “This case screams child vampire for so many reasons,” began the detective. “First off, vampires are dead and cold, so they like warm dry places. What better place than a clothes drier if you’re a child vampire? And since kids, not only kid vampires, are crazy they love the whole spinning thing. It makes them giggle.”

This photographic evidence was found on the child vampire’s grandmother’s iPhone just this past week. It stands as a vivid reminder for Sulphur residents with small children to double-check their clothes driers for vampiric beings of the night. “It’s no laughing matter,” warns the detective, “You get one of those things in your coveralls and it’ll ruin your whole day.”

Child vampires can often be discovered as they hang upside down in closets.

The second case that the detective is still working on involves a mother who was attacked as a child vampire, probably her daughter, flew out of the closet where it had been hanging and attacked her for her cup of coffee. “This case is really really unusual,” said Detective Gremillion, “in that the vampire did not only crave blood, but blood infused with Community Pecan Praline coffee. This is why Amy Bearden is no longer with us today.”

“Kiddy vampires love to hang upside down. It calms them after spinning in the warm drier. This is the most dangerous time to disturb the tiny little vampire rugrats because if you startle them…well, let’s just say you better not have a cup of Community Pecan Praline coffee in your hands.”

Stacy Bearden, husband of the deceased Amy Bearden, commented saying, “I told her that cup of coffee was mine.”

Sulphur Police and the detectives involved in the cases of child vampirism in Sulphur, LA say that there seems to be no end in sight. “People keep posting pictures of these little devils on Facebook and Flickr. While we think the photos are very funny, the photos just aren’t funny.”

Investigation continues.

I believe that my own actions have caused Global Warming to actually burn out or “KILL” itself. Fire fought fire with fire, as it were. So now, due to my negligence about which you will read below, Global Warming has extinguished itself leaving us all with nothing but…this. This nasty coldness.

Smug and self-serving, the polar bears must be stopped.

And now: my sins that have caused Global Warming Overwarming.

1. I really dislike polar bears. I find them smug and self-serving. But they taste great. Like chicken, only furrier.
2. I use three cans of hairspray per morning. It makes my bald spot, my “lucky” bald spot, extremely shiny. Luxuriant, if you will.
3. I hunt and kill ancient trees for sport. Aged wood makes the best toothpicks and sushi trays.
4. I refuse to watch Al Gore’s movie or listen to him or his jargon. But I do wear his line of shoe inserts – and so…
5. My carbon footprint is a size 17W.
6. I still drive a Yukon XL, and due to this sad economy will drive it until people laugh at me – then drive it some more.
7. I once attacked Frosty the Snowman with a hair drier. He started it.
8. Glacier water makes the best lemonade.
9. I once sent a shipment of electric blankets to the penguins. I saw that movie. They looked chilly.
10. Did I mention polar bears?
11. I make it a point to personally dispose of my own car batteries. I know that the battery juice leaks into our water table, but I just think of it as “Spicy Water” and drink up.

That is all.

Pair: a couple of guys with old push lawnmowers trying to help each other mow their yards. You might say, “That’s a pair…”

Full House: when the yard is so full of pairs and triplets of tiny half-blooming plants that you can hardly mow.

Aces High: when you see your neighbor weed eating and he trips over his trailer hitch.

Ante Up: putting in new weed eater line because you know you’ll run out.

Stacked Deck: when you first bring that new mower home and feel like you know you’ve got the yard beat!

Breakin’ the Bank: when that first payment on the mower comes due.

Fold: when you bend up that new mower’s blade on a root.

Bluff: mowing close to a tree where you know there are roots, but you try to act like the blades are just high enough to clear it so you make that “squinchy” face as you go over them.

Four of a Kind: after a long winter when your tires are all flat.

The River: trying to mow in your ditch after a downpour.

Hold ‘Em: what your wife is doing as you mow precariously near the play yard and children are out.

Poker Face: the face you make as you’re mowing through a part of the yard that is mostly dirt as the dust attacks you.

Chips: a good snack to replenish salt you lose from sweating in the heat.

All In: when you take every piece of equipment you have out of the work shed and you know there are storm clouds looming – and it’s almost dusk.

The Flop: what you do after you get through mowing just past noon.

Jacks Are Better: that new neighbor, Jack, that just bought the XMark.

Dealer: where you bought your mower and trimmer and edger…

Flush: I won’t even go into this one.

Straight: how your wife hopes you mow the larger parts of the yard without flowers in it.

Straight Flush: how you actually mowed the larger parts of the yard without flowers in it.

Bet: you bet you can finish before it rains or gets dark.

Call: 911

I’ll See Your Hand…: what they guy on the other end of 911 says.

…and I’ll Raise It: the EMT knows that elevating chopped arms slows blood flow thereby saving your life and allowing you to mow another day.

Donkeys/Mules will be used as catapult ammunition in this trying economic time.

The army is training soldiers to work with donkeys/mules (whatever) so that the animals can be used as pack carriers. Is this such a good idea? I offer you the picture to the right. ( –> that way) Donkeys/Mules don’t have such a good track record in Afghanistan. This guy, shown here in this very famous picture, doesn’t look like A) he knows what he’s doing, B) he wants to do it, and C) he can’t do it. Lazy. Just lazy. They have no work ethic. If they would eat more, they wouldn’t be shot into the air like some jackass catapult rock. But they’re stubborn. (sigh)

Donkeys/Mules are surefooted as long as they can see the ground, says Fox News. Well yeah, so am I, man! That’s like saying, “Stacy never stutters ever unless he has to speak.” Silly. Or like saying, “Detective Chester can catch any criminal in town as long as he’s chasing him around inside a jail cell.” Sure.

Some of the soldiers are going to be classified as certified donkey/mule trainers. I can’t wait to hear the ridicule over this designation. Private Jackass. (Not you, Theron.) Major Jackass. The jokes go on and on. Do we really need yet another morale downer? I don’t think so.

The Tauntaun Sleeping Bag is the must-have item for children training to be a Donkey/Mule soldier in Afghanistan. Basic survival - Jedi style.

I do think it’s a good thing that soldiers get something to carry their packs in the long, sweltering Summer heat of Afghanistan. But let’s not forget about the frigid Afghanistan Winters. As you well know, this is where the word Afghan came from. It is so cold sometimes in Afghanistan that the world named a type of blanket after the country! That’s cold. Donkeys/Mules have a dual purpose for these soldiers. Let’s say it’s really cold – as I’ve explained… Remember Han and Luke on the ice planet Hoth. I rest my case. Start the children early, that’s what I say.

They also said that when the donkeys/mules are stubborn the soldiers will have to be donkey/mule whisperers. Wow. I ain’t whispering nothing to no donkey/mule. It’s sleeping bag time if that has to happen.

Join me next time when I’ll discuss the possibilities of rabbits in Kuwait, hamsters in Iraq, and hedgehogs in Iran.

The Unhappy Meal...yes.

The Unhappy Meal. I love this idea. PETA is meaning this to be a serious commentary on how McDonald’s is “torturing” chickens. Hey, we eat chickens. You can’t have much more torture than that. But on to my admiration for this design: notice Ronald’s jagged fangs and the nasty knife dripping with special sauce…I mean, blood. This is the Chicken McCruelty. Not so catchy of a name, but Unhappy Meal is surprisingly witty.

Ask a terrorist after an attack, if he survives that is, “Hey (Fill In Terrorist Name That I’m Afraid To Place Here), now that you’ve bombed the embassy, what are you gonna do?” Answer…”Get an Unhappy Meal!” See? It’s perfect. Works across all boundaries.

So just when I was digging PETA’s humor, even though I guess it’s not meant as humor, I came across this…

Now, I know PETA is against animal cruelty, but you can’t keep relentlessly using that word in your artwork and logo spoofing. It’s just not cool. I just didn’t realize that KFC was a fan of my blog! I’m touched. Some would say I’m touched in the head, but I’ll continue.

Once again it’s all about chickens and cruelty. I’m picking up a pattern here. Does PETA only care about chickens! From my brief perusal it appears so. Chicken chicken chicken. Are they afraid to stand behind any other animals? I think they’re chicken. (Pardon me. I couldn’t help it.)

So my enthusiasm for PETA’s funny advertising ideas was already beginning to diminish, but then I found this…

I dont' care what you say, I'm getting this mouse costume for Halloween and maybe Easter because it also reminds me of the Easter Bunny. He looks so cocky.

I just bought a ZTR mower from Lowe’s! PETA has gone too far! How can my favorite home improvement and tool man toy store possibly be associated with something as horrendous as glue traps for rats?

Because people want to get rid of rats.

And if this rat on the left is any sign of the coming apocalypse then we’re all doomed. Just think what the world will come to if we don’t have Lowe’s to provide us with the best in glue trap technology to get rid of these vicious vermin before they evolve…yes evolve…into something like this creature you see pictured to the left. <– That way. Lowe’s is doing us a favor! And PETA’s upset. Oh well.

I wonder how many rats I could mow over with my new John Deere ZTR. I don’t actually have the numbers for you, but I know one thing and one thing only: Nothing runs like a Deere.

Thank you, PETA, for the craziest  hot mess I’ve seen in a while. I’ll be checking in on you regularly for more content for my blog and my FaceBook photo page.