I don’t waste. I don’t litter. I don’t intentionally harm the environment. However, I am by no means an environmentalist. By environmentalist I mean somebody who recycles everything they own, can’t stand it when a light is on, flushes their toilet once a day, doesn’t eat meat, etc. Someone who is so extremely involved in the environmental movement that they shame everyone who isn’t is a wacko. I cannot abide by that.
But, I’m concerned about the consequences of being a Non-Environmentalist. The environmentalist will say, “If you do _____ then you will save _____.” By contrast, I believe that normal activities are destroying the Earth if, and only if, the environmentalist wackos are correct, which they are not.
My list…
Environmentalist Ed Begley making a piece of toast.
1. IF you leave the light on in the rest room while you “take care of business” THEN you kill three Ugandan families’ worth of soy product.
2. IF you flush your toilet after each use THEN you destroy five barrier reefs with your nasty waste.
3. IF you swim near said barrier reef and touch one THEN you destroy any hope of a beautiful ocean refuge for the killer whale that ate that woman at Sea World.
4. IF you scold the killer whale that at that woman at Sea World THEN you obviously are an animal hater and must be destroyed by PETA.
5. IF you use regular light bulbs instead of curly fry light bulbs (my term) THEN you kill three penguins.
6. IF you use one can of hairspray per month THEN you create an ozone hole directly over your home that follows you, and your hairspray, to work every day burning everything in that line of travel forever.
7. IF you do not reuse your bath towel every night THEN you decapitate five pandas and their immediate families.
8. IF you run the water while you brush your teeth THEN you rot the teeth of eleven hens.
9. IF you drive to work every day THEN you suffocate four llamas in Ecuador.
10. IF you use your wi-fi connection six hours a day THEN you give twelve people cancer who are between you and the antenna source.
11. IF you wear a red shirt THEN you cannot call yourself “Green” because red is the opposite color of green.
12. IF you use a conventional toaster instead of a bicycle-powered toaster like Ed Begley THEN you are normal.
Pardon me: I have to go destroy some barrier reefs.
