AMA Supports Doctor’s Replacement Diet

(AP) If you are like so many Americans who need to lose a few pounds but are frustrated with fad diets, Dr. Sanford Eetum may have the answer you need.

Dr. Eetum shown here minutes before announcing his Replacement Diet and burning his necktie.

Dr. Sanford Eetum, formerly of the Bosley Medical Institute, announced to the American Medical Associate this week that he and his team of researchers have completed tests on a new diet that he calls Eetum’s Replacement Diet. Dr. Eetum spoke before a panel of doctors and a room of press and entertainment reporters explaining his diet.

“My diet is for people who like to eat, but cannot manage their portions. This particular type of diet will appeal to morbidly obese men and women who simply cannot stop eating because they don’t want to. My diet is simple,” continued Dr. Eetum, “Let’s say that you’re out with your friends on a Wednesday night eating a dinner of Italian disposition, and let’s say that you don’t want to quit eating when you know you are full. On Eetum’s Replacement Diet you can continue to eat and count the extra food you ingest as tomorrow’s breakfast. Ofcourse, this means you will not be allowed to have any breakfast the next morning, but in return you can gorge yourself at dinner with no regrets.”

The AMA board was nonplussed.

Dr. Sydney Creten, an AMA board member, commented, “This is an astounding find that Dr. Eetum has announced today. Finally I, I mean obese men and women, can eat as much as I, I mean they, want to eat and keep eating and keep eating. Eat now, enjoy now, and forego future breakfasts and lunches and dinners as ‘replacements’. It’s genius! I didn’t hear anything about exercise either, so I’m good with it.”

Dr. Angelia Thomastickonous also commented. “With this type of dietary plan in place the human race could actually plan to eat twenty-one meals in one sitting and have more time to work the following week since no time would be involved in food preparation or digestion. Brilliant!”

T. Kobayashi prepares to destroy Dr. Eetum this Independence Day and will not use the Replacement Diet to do it.

Dr. Eetum closed his press conference with these final visionary thoughts: “Just image a world in which you could eat as much as you want with no consequences at all. Imagine if you could eat the meals that you would have eaten in your eighties! After all, by when you are eighty or ninety years old you don’t really have to eat. By that age you’re pretty much on Ensure and intravenous fluids. I don’t think those count as ‘meals’. And if you know you have a big Thanksgiving meal planned next week, you can just stop eating any food at all and on Thanksgiving eat your normal twenty-one meal plan. I am personally planning to stop eating on June 8, 2010 so I can bank all those meals and cash them in on July 4, 2010 at the Nathan’s Hotdog Eating contest. I’ll take the title away from that Takeru Kobayashi for sure.”

Takeru Kobayashi could not be reached for his response.

Punxsutawney Phil Outraged Over PETA’s Robot Scheme

(AP) An animal rights group wants organizers of Pennsylvania’s Groundhog Day festival to replace Punxsutawney Phil with a robotic stand-in.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals says it’s unfair to keep the animal in captivity and subject him to the huge crowds and bright lights that accompany tens of thousands of revelers each Feb. 2 in Punxsutawney, a tiny borough about 65 miles northeast of Pittsburgh. PETA is suggesting the use of an animatronic model.

But William Deeley, president of the Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, says the animal is “being treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania.” The groundhog is kept in a climate-controlled environment and is inspected annually by the state Department of Agriculture.

Punxsutawney Phil shows his militant side in the face of PETA attempting to replace him with a robot.

When asked for his opinion, Punxsutawney Phil, the usually reserved and beloved mascot for Groundhog Day, said, “PETA has gone overboard this time. We groundhogs are usually supportive of PETA and its flaming liberal rhetoric, but PETA’s new agenda of seemingly trying to put groundhogs out of work is reprehensible!”

Punxsutawney Phil continued to explain the lack of employment opportunities for groundhogs in the United States today. “Much like PETA, the rest of the nation is completely uninterested in groundhogs for the remainder of the year. At least we have Febraury 2 each year to make a little scratch. I have some close friends who are unemployed 364 days out of the year. If it wasn’t for the humans’ Groundhog Day there would be many more groundhogs on federal assistance – and those reindeer already have that market cornered.”

B-Reindeer Blitzen shown here reduced to pulling a sleigh full of spoiled children due to a sluggish Obama economy.

Blitzen was contacted for his comments on Punxsutawney Phil’s hate speech, but referred us to Rudolph saying, “Oh, now you want to talk to me! Why don’t you go play your own reindeer games, turn on that stupid song about Rudolph and his drug-irritated nose, and let me get back to what I do best: nothing.”

Punxsutawney Phil is not only a spokesman against PETA, but also derides Hollywood and the movie industry for what he calls unethical financial treatment of animals. “As an executive member of AAUFTA (Animals Against the Unethical Financial Treatment of Animals), I can tell you that we are appalled at the movie industry for ignoring animal actors like me concerning movie royalties. ‘Groundhog Day’ the movie pulled in literally hundreds of dollars at the box office. I got nothing. That Bill Murray rode on my coat tails for the entire shoot. I’ll never give him acting advice again. Walter, the dog from the ‘Beethoven’ movies, is addicted to meth and living under a bridge in San Francisco. You wouldn’t believe the abuse he endures from music lovers who blame him for children in the early 1990’s thinking that ‘Beethoven’ is a dog and having no education about some dead music composer. Crazy musicians. Harry, from ‘Harry and the Hendersons’, can be considered an animal, I guess, and he’s looking into shaving his entire body to take a shot at the Geico caveman commercials. Sad thing is he doesn’t have his physique any more and those commercials are getting lamer by the second.”

Concerning robot replacements for groundhogs, “Yeah, that’s a great idea. Anybody ever heard of Skynet?”

Child Vampires Are A Menace, Says Sulphur Detective

(AP) If you think vampires are real, then you are part of a growing minority whose voice is finally beginning to be heard.

Vampires have always been thought to be creatures of legend and fiction, but due to the popularity of the author Anne Rice and the recent success of the Twilight movies doctors and police are starting to rethink this legend as reality.

Detective Chester "Kojak" Gremillion

Chester Gremillion of the Sulphur, Louisiana police department says that the threat is becoming real in his city. “We used think that the deaths were just due to some holiday fun or Mardi Gras prank, but you can only ignore the bite marks for so long,” says the detective. “The reason why we did not take the bite marks seriously is that some of them were so tiny. We just figured it was bed bugs or spanish cockroaches or lemurs or something. However, my dentist that I visit once every four or five years noticed that the bite marks were not of lemurian nature. I don’t know how he knows what lemur bites look like, but he does know what human child bite marks look like. His son is seven-years-old and ADHD,” continued the detective. “Anyhoo – my dentist says that most of the bite marks we showed him in the morgue were from a child.”

Officer Louis Boudreaux, also of the SPD, was quoted as saying, “Man! These child vampires are wicked cool.” Detective Gremillion had no comment about the officer’s claim except to shake his head.

The Sulphur Police Department found the following photographic evidence of child vampirism at a recent crime scene. Detective Gremillion stated that child vampires are especially tricky. “Child vampires are especially tricky. They can be your own child and you never suspect anything because most kids are crazy anyways. I mean, they’re not all, like, bite your neck and suck your blood crazy, but they’re all crazy,” said the detective. “These little buggers can get into the tightest most crampiest places and hide and wait on their victims: victims who just happen to be a mother or father.

Child vampires enjoy clothes driers because of the warmth, dryness, and spinning action.

The first case that Detective Gremillion closed was one of a child vampire who leapt out at her grandmother from a clothes drier. “This case screams child vampire for so many reasons,” began the detective. “First off, vampires are dead and cold, so they like warm dry places. What better place than a clothes drier if you’re a child vampire? And since kids, not only kid vampires, are crazy they love the whole spinning thing. It makes them giggle.”

This photographic evidence was found on the child vampire’s grandmother’s iPhone just this past week. It stands as a vivid reminder for Sulphur residents with small children to double-check their clothes driers for vampiric beings of the night. “It’s no laughing matter,” warns the detective, “You get one of those things in your coveralls and it’ll ruin your whole day.”

Child vampires can often be discovered as they hang upside down in closets.

The second case that the detective is still working on involves a mother who was attacked as a child vampire, probably her daughter, flew out of the closet where it had been hanging and attacked her for her cup of coffee. “This case is really really unusual,” said Detective Gremillion, “in that the vampire did not only crave blood, but blood infused with Community Pecan Praline coffee. This is why Amy Bearden is no longer with us today.”

“Kiddy vampires love to hang upside down. It calms them after spinning in the warm drier. This is the most dangerous time to disturb the tiny little vampire rugrats because if you startle them…well, let’s just say you better not have a cup of Community Pecan Praline coffee in your hands.”

Stacy Bearden, husband of the deceased Amy Bearden, commented saying, “I told her that cup of coffee was mine.”

Sulphur Police and the detectives involved in the cases of child vampirism in Sulphur, LA say that there seems to be no end in sight. “People keep posting pictures of these little devils on Facebook and Flickr. While we think the photos are very funny, the photos just aren’t funny.”

Investigation continues.

Global Warming Is My Fault

This week marks the coldest week we have had in SW Louisiana in at least 14,000 years. This morning I woke to frozen water pipes at my business, and although they thawed out by the time I had finished complaining about them, it got me to thinking. Perhaps all this is my fault. Perhaps I am the culprit. Perhaps.

I believe that my own actions have caused Global Warming to actually burn out or “KILL” itself. Fire fought fire with fire, as it were. So now, due to my negligence about which you will read below, Global Warming has extinguished itself leaving us all with nothing but…this. This nasty coldness.

Smug and self-serving, the polar bears must be stopped.

And now: my sins that have caused Global Warming Overwarming.

1. I really dislike polar bears. I find them smug and self-serving. But they taste great. Like chicken, only furrier.
2. I use three cans of hairspray per morning. It makes my bald spot, my “lucky” bald spot, extremely shiny. Luxuriant, if you will.
3. I hunt and kill ancient trees for sport. Aged wood makes the best toothpicks and sushi trays.
4. I refuse to watch Al Gore’s movie or listen to him or his jargon. But I do wear his line of shoe inserts – and so…
5. My carbon footprint is a size 17W.
6. I still drive a Yukon XL, and due to this sad economy will drive it until people laugh at me – then drive it some more.
7. I once attacked Frosty the Snowman with a hair drier. He started it.
8. Glacier water makes the best lemonade.
9. I once sent a shipment of electric blankets to the penguins. I saw that movie. They looked chilly.
10. Did I mention polar bears?
11. I make it a point to personally dispose of my own car batteries. I know that the battery juice leaks into our water table, but I just think of it as “Spicy Water” and drink up.

That is all.

Mowing Is Like Playing Poker

I was mowing and weed eating the other day and the deranged thought struck me that they are a lot like playing poker. Certain hands and concepts apply. Allow me to elaborate in no certain order…

Pair: a couple of guys with old push lawnmowers trying to help each other mow their yards. You might say, “That’s a pair…”

Full House: when the yard is so full of pairs and triplets of tiny half-blooming plants that you can hardly mow.

Aces High: when you see your neighbor weed eating and he trips over his trailer hitch.

Ante Up: putting in new weed eater line because you know you’ll run out.

Stacked Deck: when you first bring that new mower home and feel like you know you’ve got the yard beat!

Breakin’ the Bank: when that first payment on the mower comes due.

Fold: when you bend up that new mower’s blade on a root.

Bluff: mowing close to a tree where you know there are roots, but you try to act like the blades are just high enough to clear it so you make that “squinchy” face as you go over them.

Four of a Kind: after a long winter when your tires are all flat.

The River: trying to mow in your ditch after a downpour.

Hold ‘Em: what your wife is doing as you mow precariously near the play yard and children are out.

Poker Face: the face you make as you’re mowing through a part of the yard that is mostly dirt as the dust attacks you.

Chips: a good snack to replenish salt you lose from sweating in the heat.

All In: when you take every piece of equipment you have out of the work shed and you know there are storm clouds looming – and it’s almost dusk.

The Flop: what you do after you get through mowing just past noon.

Jacks Are Better: that new neighbor, Jack, that just bought the XMark.

Dealer: where you bought your mower and trimmer and edger…

Flush: I won’t even go into this one.

Straight: how your wife hopes you mow the larger parts of the yard without flowers in it.

Straight Flush: how you actually mowed the larger parts of the yard without flowers in it.

Bet: you bet you can finish before it rains or gets dark.

Call: 911

I’ll See Your Hand…: what they guy on the other end of 911 says.

…and I’ll Raise It: the EMT knows that elevating chopped arms slows blood flow thereby saving your life and allowing you to mow another day.

Donkeys In Afghanistan – What A Jackass Idea!

I was sitting here at my desk trying to think of a blog post to write in honor of my friend’s birthday. Thanks to Fox News, I have a topic.

Donkeys/Mules will be used as catapult ammunition in this trying economic time.

The army is training soldiers to work with donkeys/mules (whatever) so that the animals can be used as pack carriers. Is this such a good idea? I offer you the picture to the right. ( –> that way) Donkeys/Mules don’t have such a good track record in Afghanistan. This guy, shown here in this very famous picture, doesn’t look like A) he knows what he’s doing, B) he wants to do it, and C) he can’t do it. Lazy. Just lazy. They have no work ethic. If they would eat more, they wouldn’t be shot into the air like some jackass catapult rock. But they’re stubborn. (sigh)

Donkeys/Mules are surefooted as long as they can see the ground, says Fox News. Well yeah, so am I, man! That’s like saying, “Stacy never stutters ever unless he has to speak.” Silly. Or like saying, “Detective Chester can catch any criminal in town as long as he’s chasing him around inside a jail cell.” Sure.

Some of the soldiers are going to be classified as certified donkey/mule trainers. I can’t wait to hear the ridicule over this designation. Private Jackass. (Not you, Theron.) Major Jackass. The jokes go on and on. Do we really need yet another morale downer? I don’t think so.

The Tauntaun Sleeping Bag is the must-have item for children training to be a Donkey/Mule soldier in Afghanistan. Basic survival - Jedi style.

I do think it’s a good thing that soldiers get something to carry their packs in the long, sweltering Summer heat of Afghanistan. But let’s not forget about the frigid Afghanistan Winters. As you well know, this is where the word Afghan came from. It is so cold sometimes in Afghanistan that the world named a type of blanket after the country! That’s cold. Donkeys/Mules have a dual purpose for these soldiers. Let’s say it’s really cold – as I’ve explained… Remember Han and Luke on the ice planet Hoth. I rest my case. Start the children early, that’s what I say.

They also said that when the donkeys/mules are stubborn the soldiers will have to be donkey/mule whisperers. Wow. I ain’t whispering nothing to no donkey/mule. It’s sleeping bag time if that has to happen.

Join me next time when I’ll discuss the possibilities of rabbits in Kuwait, hamsters in Iraq, and hedgehogs in Iran.

PETA = Funny

I’m not an animal rights activist, but I am an animal lover. I love the way they taste. Animals are yummy. I’m not for abusing animals, but I am all for eating animals. Many, many animals. This blog post is not my usual blog post. I stumbled across the PETA site while searching for one of the below pics which I will now share with you as I comment.

The Unhappy Meal...yes.

The Unhappy Meal. I love this idea. PETA is meaning this to be a serious commentary on how McDonald’s is “torturing” chickens. Hey, we eat chickens. You can’t have much more torture than that. But on to my admiration for this design: notice Ronald’s jagged fangs and the nasty knife dripping with special sauce…I mean, blood. This is the Chicken McCruelty. Not so catchy of a name, but Unhappy Meal is surprisingly witty.

Ask a terrorist after an attack, if he survives that is, “Hey (Fill In Terrorist Name That I’m Afraid To Place Here), now that you’ve bombed the embassy, what are you gonna do?” Answer…”Get an Unhappy Meal!” See? It’s perfect. Works across all boundaries.

So just when I was digging PETA’s humor, even though I guess it’s not meant as humor, I came across this…

Now, I know PETA is against animal cruelty, but you can’t keep relentlessly using that word in your artwork and logo spoofing. It’s just not cool. I just didn’t realize that KFC was a fan of my blog! I’m touched. Some would say I’m touched in the head, but I’ll continue.

Once again it’s all about chickens and cruelty. I’m picking up a pattern here. Does PETA only care about chickens! From my brief perusal it appears so. Chicken chicken chicken. Are they afraid to stand behind any other animals? I think they’re chicken. (Pardon me. I couldn’t help it.)

So my enthusiasm for PETA’s funny advertising ideas was already beginning to diminish, but then I found this…

I dont' care what you say, I'm getting this mouse costume for Halloween and maybe Easter because it also reminds me of the Easter Bunny. He looks so cocky.

I just bought a ZTR mower from Lowe’s! PETA has gone too far! How can my favorite home improvement and tool man toy store possibly be associated with something as horrendous as glue traps for rats?

Because people want to get rid of rats.

And if this rat on the left is any sign of the coming apocalypse then we’re all doomed. Just think what the world will come to if we don’t have Lowe’s to provide us with the best in glue trap technology to get rid of these vicious vermin before they evolve…yes evolve…into something like this creature you see pictured to the left. <– That way. Lowe’s is doing us a favor! And PETA’s upset. Oh well.

I wonder how many rats I could mow over with my new John Deere ZTR. I don’t actually have the numbers for you, but I know one thing and one thing only: Nothing runs like a Deere.

Thank you, PETA, for the craziest  hot mess I’ve seen in a while. I’ll be checking in on you regularly for more content for my blog and my FaceBook photo page.

What Does It Take To Be A Terrorist?

The New Face of Horror

I recently made a business trip to Kansas. Of course if you drive, that trip for me is thirteen hours. I like driving. I’m a driver. I wasn’t going to drive that. So I booked a flight from Houston to Kansas City, MO and away I went.

Even though I have flown before and thoroughly enjoy flying, you gotta always think about terrorists. 9/11 gave us that phobia. I’m not afraid of dieing. Dieing is fine by me. It’s the various nasty ways you might die that give me the willies. Instant death is cool. Long, drawn-out, painful death…not so much. I never worry about crashing, either. I figure the odds are with me.

On this certain flight the tickets were sold out as is usually the case. But I felt lucky because my seat happened to be a window seat and there was nobody sitting in the aisle seat by me. Yea for me! Yea for me until the one minute countdown started and a flustered lady climbed aboard our flight. Being seated next to the only available seat remaining, I was watching as my “neighbor” of the next two hours tripped and lumbered down the tiny aisle to her aisle seat by me. She had no carry-on. Strange? I thought so. All I went with for a week’s business trip was one carry-on. Hmmm.

She sat down, and when the recorded announcement asked everyone to disable their mobile phones she promptly pulled her phone from her pocket and began to text frantically. Attempting to crane my neck to view her typing proved futile. As takeoff commenced, she sat rigid in her chair, eyes closed. I’m not sure she even breathed. I was excited about flying. I always am. As usual I was grinning like a young child, peering out the window, and recording the acceleration with my iPhone.

Finally we are airborn, and I look over at my companion. Nothing. Rigid. A little strange, I thought, but upon looking at the other passengers it became not so strange. Everyone was in their own little world either reading, acting like they were sleeping, or staring straight ahead at nothing. Was everyone scared? Nervous? I don’t know. I’m a talker, so I was trying to make eye contact with somebody who would perhaps start up a casual conversation with me. Nobody would return the attention. I was not about to start a conversation with my unsettling companion, but at this point in the flight I did not have to…

My neighbor took off her hooded sweater (which is absurd because it was extremely hot in Houston in July), turned it around and wore it backwards with the hood…over her face. Over…her face. Zombie. I don’t know. This may be one of the oddest things I have seen in a long time. Anybody who knows me knows that I immediately have to take a picture. However, due to flight regulations that perhaps I don’t know about and people getting nervous (as they already were) I could not force myself to take the photo. I had the iPhone out, camera application open, aimed…couldn’t do it. Wanted to! Couldn’t. (sigh) I had to share this with somebody, but who?! All my neighbors were, as stated before, either reading, staring straight forward in a stupor, or pretending to sleep. What to do?

Flight attendant. Of course!

In a few seconds the refreshment service would begin, then I could at least share this with someone. The flight attendant was a young woman with various peircings, so I figured she was down to laugh at this oddity with me. She approached me and noticed my aisle partner first. Her eyebrows raised and then she looked at me. I was ready.

“I’m scared!” I mouthed silently to her and pointed at the lady again with wide-eyed faux fear. She pursed her lips to stifle a laugh and turned around quickly to maintain professionalism, but then it was back to work. Reaching our row she asked if I would like a beverage so I asked for a Dr. Pepper, and we continued to laugh about the oddity on the aisle seat by me.

What does it take to be a terrorist? I say, just being weird and freaking someone out.

I survived Houston Flight 2842. Go FREEDOM!

Things I Would Change If I Were President of the United States of America

Hail to the chief. Me!

I was listening to the news this morning about the politician who was supposed to be shuttled about by security by went off-radar because he didn’t want surveillance all over him. I didn’t listen very well because I was busy doing other things (Mafia Wars), but it got me thinking about things that I would change were I the President of this great nation.

Being the President of the United States of America has to be a big deal. Other than just the stress of the hardest job in the world (besides being a piano teacher) there are many logistical dilemmas that would annoy me. Imagine you wanted some Taco Bell and you’re out in the Presidential limo. That limo can’t fit through the drive-through lane. The turn radius on that tank is not nearly tight enough to accommodate the turn. One of two things would have to happen: larger Taco Bell drive-through lanes or more compact limos. Since I wouldn’t be giving up my super limo or one square inch of luxury real estate Taco Bell would have some problems come legislation time.

This is one option for a Presidential phone. Nobody could hack this!

I don’t agree with hardly a word that comes out of Barack Obama’s mouth, but when he didn’t want to give up his Blackberry I did feel for him. How could you go from calling your wife whenever you wanted or calling a friend to chat to zero private communication! I don’t know. We haven’t heard much more about his top secret stealth Blackberry they were supposed to be building. My guess is that they sat him down in a room and said, “Look. The answer is no. And here’s why…” and then handed him a list of all the terrorists and hackers that had already tried to get up in his business. That would have done it probably. We don’t need to know if the man has a personal Blackberry anyway! Let him have his phone, for Pete’s sake. (Whomever Pete is.) The change I would make is that my iPhone would have a little string attached to it and that string would go all over the White House and connect to other people’s empty soup cans. Then I would sit in a closet in the fetal position and whisper into my disabled iPhone hoping someone could hear me. Sad? Maybe. That or nobody else in the nation could have a mobile phone except me. Probably that second one.

There’s not one thing I would change about Air Force One, because I have seen the documentary. It’s very big pimpin’. I would add a grand piano. There.

All these terrorist nation leaders having sit down talks and dinners and getting cool little presents from US representatives – no more.

UN in New York? Not under my administration. I’m thinking move it to Germany. It can’t be far enough away from me. The moon? That’s a start.

I hope it really will be Swiss.

NASA…I don’t know what to say here. It’s cool, but in a recession…maybe we should slow down on this mission to colonize the moon. You know, it’s really not made of cheese, so that’s going to help nobody in a recession.

Things I would outlaw, you ask? Only one thing – baldness. And suckers. And fedoras. I guess that’s three thing, but they’re all loosely related.

The first burqa goes to...

There is also a move in France to ban the burqa that Muslim women wear. I say let them wear their burqas if they want to wear them. I’m sure some of them do. The burqa is not a totally terrible idea. In my administration I would demand that some women wear burqas – the ugly women. You know who you are. Just go get one. Do it for your country. Barack is also appointing “Czars” to this and that to oversee policy. I would have a Burqa Czar who would oversee the proper implementation of the burqa. He would more of less just decide which women were ugly and mail them a burqa. Applicants may apply for the czarship. I guarantee a more beautiful America in six months. I would also own stock in a burqa manufacturing business. I took that little nugget of wisdom from Al Gore who owns part of a company that makes products to help you be more green.

Vote Bearden.

Stacy Bearden, Age 37

I felt it necessary to write my obituary this morning since today is my birthday. Morbid? Not at all. I’ve done some amazing things in my life – as you will read…

This was supposed to be the Crazy Horse memorial, but they're going to replace it with my visage.

“(AP) Stacy Bearden was found dead this morning in his front yard. FBI investigators reported that Mr. Bearden died from heat exhaustion caused by excessive lawn mowing. He was thirty-seven years of age. He was survived by his wife – Amy, two children – Ethan and Madeline, and a recently discovered Tibetan monk that he adopted in 1983 named Naboobashoo.

“Born in 1972, Stacy Bearden was raised by his devoted parents, Kennith and Jackie and his grandparents, Elhanon and Edith. Showing amazing skills in mathematics and physics from an early age, Stacy enrolled in Hillbroth Academy of Highest Learning at age one. After setting new academic records in the fields of chemistry and motion dynamics during his first semester, Stacy was expelled by the school due to other students’ fear of his superior intellect. This forced Stacy into public school in Sulphur, Louisiana.

“Having his dreams of a PhD in Molecular Physics broken, Stacy became interested in music. At the age of nine he began piano lessons, and although not a remarkable pianist he excelled in performance and composition on the bagpipe and lute. After releasing four platinum Cd’s in Europe, all entitled “Lute What I Can Do!” his interest again turned to the piano, and lute and bagpipe took a backseat.

“In high school, Stacy was involved in his public school band playing the alto saxophone and zither. It is at this point that Stacy was approached by both the CIA and FBI to begin missions for those branches, simultaneously, as an undercover operative in Eastern Europe.

“From 1986 until 2003, Stacy used his cover occupation as a musician and band member to carry out black ops missions during what he told his family were “away games” for the marching band. On a trip to France with the McNeese State University Jazz Band in 1991, Stacy was able to work with French intelligence to disarm and capture a band of terrorists in a suburb of Nice, France. Although the mission saved hundreds of lives and earned him four commendations from the President of the United States, Stacy would still not retire from the FBI/CIA for another fifteen years or allow his accolades to be shared with the world.

“In 2007 officials in Russia claimed that Stacy was responsible for the 1964 assassination of two top level Russian spies in Moscow. When asked how Mr. Bearden could have assassinated the spies eight years before he was born, the Russian spokesman answered, ‘He’s very clever.’

“In 2003 Stacy became the worship leader at First Baptist Church of Gillis in Lake Charles, Louisiana. Although it is unclear if Stacy was still a secret FBI/CIA operative one must take into account as evidence that there were no terrorist attacks in Gillis, Topsy or Birdnest from 2003 until his death in 2009.

She was a wreck at the funeral.

“Mr. Bearden’s memorial service was held June 23, 2009 at the Lake Charles Civic Center. In attendance was his family, friends, church, representatives from the FBI and CIA (sitting on opposite sides), both President Bush and President Bush, President Ronald Reagan (in spirit), fifteen Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders and television star from the series Blossom, Mayim Bialik. Donations to Stacy’s foundation, Stacy Bearden’s Foundation for Better Water Sprinklers, may be sent directly to the foundation.”

I’m sure my obit will read something very very close to this.